A Treatise on Government

We all agree that we need a new form of government. Well, actually, we don't all agree. Some right-wing capitalist swine proclaim that democracy is the ideal form of government, but the rest of us laugh at them and stick our tongues out behind their backs. So, everyone that matters agrees that democracy is not the ideal form of government. But, you ask, have you got a better idea?

Well of course I have, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this. Once we have risen up and smashed the bourgeois capitalist state, (lining the aforementioned right-wing swine up against the nearest wall and shooting them in the process,) I propose we form a Muppetocracy - the ultimate expression of anarchy.

Anarchy represents the freedom we lack under the constraints of modern democracy. Under the current parliamentary system we have almost no say in the laws that control our lives - except in an election year when the politicians are forced to pretend to listen to our concerns, only to ignore them once they have returned to their offices. With anarchy the politicians are gone. No longer do they constrain our choices. We are instead guided by our own wishes, and our own consciences.

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: Hewligan, you always said you didn't have a conscience. Well, that's true. But, without a repressive big brother controlling our lives, the family unit would be strengthened because of the protection it offers. In other words, if I steal your wallet, you get your uncle the Swedish Chef to throw me up in the air and make me explode. After all, it's only the threat of force that keeps the population in line now.

I believe that the Muppetocracy is the next step in the evolution of government. (And it's not because I like the idea of the Swedish Chef throwing people in the air and making them explode. Well, not just because I like the idea of the Swedish Chef throwing people in the air and making them explode, anyway.) To me, the Muppets are the ultimate expression of Anarchy.

But, you may well argue, doesn't anarchy mean without leaders? Wasn't Kermit the Muppets leader? In fact, it seems to me that Kermit was only a nominal leader. While he gave the other Muppets instructions, there is no evidence to suggest that these instructions were followed, except when to do so suited the individual Muppets own purposes. Kermit was more like a spokesman than a leader. Also, they made him do all the really nauseating songs that no-one else wanted to.

In fact, the Muppets were so anarchic that they didn't even feel the need to be constrained by common sense or, in fact, reality itself. The list of times Gonzo was blown up, only to reappear the following week are too numerous for an essay of this length. The Pigs in Space routinely broke the laws of physics in ways that would make a Trekkie cringe. And who among you can claim to know what "Shee doo be dip-shee doo dip-dip yay bork-bork-bork" means?

And yet, even without their behaviour being regulated by a list of "laws," the Muppets managed to get along with each other and their guests. (Although I do wish they'd fed Leo Sayer to Animal.) When one Muppet needed help, there was no Bill Birch to proclaim: "Sorry, we can't afford it." No Muppet ever carried a gun. (Explosives, yes, but no guns.) Unlike our society which tries to crush those who don't conform to its norms, the Muppets tolerated people of all colours, shapes, and sexual deviations. (What was Gonzo doing with those chickens, anyway?)

In short:

Vive la Révolution!

Vive la Muppets!

--Hewligan