Embalming

by Apathy Jack

"You know, if you fixed that doorbell, I wouldn’t have to go to such effort to get in here."

"But the harsh buzzing would wake my flatmates. They’ve told me they don’t like being awake at three o’clock in the morning."

"Yes, but I’m a little old to be climbing up walls and banging on windows."

"Hmmm."

Tracy toyed idly with a small candle-holder on James’ desk.

"Would you like that?" He looked at it moving around in her fingers. "It occurs to me that I’ve never actually had cause to use candles. And I’m thinking of paring this room down to the basics. Getting rid of whatever I don’t need."

"I guess. Thanks."

"So how’s the self mutilation coming along?"

"It continues apace. How’s the insomnia treating you?"

"I think I’m getting used to it. Things are becoming clearer all the time. What does alienation feel like?"

"Like you’re in a small dark room with a book you’re not enjoying while peals of laughter echo from the room next door. Why?"

"I’m just wondering. In the interests of science. What does it feel like when you cut yourself now?"

"It hurts less. It’s like the pain is further away, like by the time it’s traveled the kilometers to my brain most of the charge has been lost. It sort of scares me. But the fear is as disconnected as the pain, so I’m not as scared as I should be. Which scares me. But not as much as it should."

"So the dislocation is getting worse?"

"Yeah. Remember that time you first confronted me about the cutting. Asking me why I’d want to hurt myself like this? And I cried. And you cried. Have you cried recently?"

"No. I sort of feel like I should sometimes, but I can’t quite work up to it. Do you like me?"

"I like you fine. What makes you ask?"

"I’m just wondering who likes me."

"Everyone likes you."

"See, on the surface, that would very much seem to be the case. However, I’ve been wondering recently how much of that is genuine."

Tracy shot him an inquisitive look.

"Well, I’ve been thinking about it," James answered. "And I don’t see any qualities in particular that would make me as likeable as most people appear to think I am."

"Maybe you should leave the self hatred to the experts, sonny."

"Oh no, it’s nothing to do with self hatred. I don’t see that I have any bad qualities. I just haven’t managed to put my finger on any good ones, either. Near as I can tell, I’m totally neutral. I’m fairly boring conversation, and... actually, that’s pretty much it. I’m dull company, and by what other standard can I be measured as being pleasant to hang out with?"

Tracy looked down at the desk, thinking for a moment.

"When I’m with you, I don’t want to cut myself."