Can’t Live With ‘Em

By Hewligan

So, like, I met Dave at the pub. He starts talking before I’ve even got me arse on the seat. “You know what I’ve learnt in my twenty-two miserable years on this misbegotten planet? That you should never, ever, on pain of your life, trust a woman. When we were in school, spending our days getting beaten up by the kid who was doing School Cert. for the fourth time, like any right-thinking human being would, you know what they were doing? They were practising giving one another eating disorders. And they’ve continued their debased psychological warfare to this day.”

“So,” says I, “you got dumped again.”

“Yes.”

“In three days, no less.”

“Well, slightly less.”

“A new land speed record.” I shake my head and drink my beer.

Dave smiles, proudly. “I am a fast worker.”

“Is that why she dumped you?”

He glares at me for a moment before saying, “Do you think two and a half days is too soon to borrow money?”

“Very probably.”

“Oh.” He drinks, slowly. “Bitch, anyway.”